A Sunny Place for Shady PeoplePithy, contrarian, politically incorrect and curmudgeonly rants on sex, money, power and politics and religion and philosophy. In short: Nothing matters, everything changes and there are no guarantees. The rest is rationalization and bribery. (c) Tom Milner 2002-2003. DIRECTORY of offensive POSTS at Archives: 07/09/03. RECOMMENDED BLOGS: Archives: 07/29/03. email: theoldbuzzard AT sunnyplaceforshadypeople DOT com.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Monday, November 25, 2002
The spirits of the holidays encumber us again.
Mad season of mercantile excess and sentimental gluttony.
We are moved to offer modestly a Guide for the Gentleman Drinker -- useful every day as well as in this annual deluge of overabundant enthusiasm. (Thankfully, religion is mostly ignored these last two months of the year, but the marketplace is untowardly elevated.)
Gentlemen observe the following:
Drink only the premium (not always necessarily the most expensive) spirits. (We don't puff brands unless we are substantially bribed.)
* Bloody Mary's only before breakfast -- at whatever hour.
* Martini's only before lunch and dinner -- never after.
* Cognac only after lunch and dinner, preferably accompanied by a Cuban cigar.
* Dark, bold beer with raw oysters, fried shrimp, Chinese dishes, pizza and salade nicoise.
* Only one bracer an hour -- unless you're extremely agitated (or when committing a graceful suicide with sedatives).
* Only after the market has closed (or after 5 p.m.).
* Only with other certified gentlemen and ladies -- never alone.
* Only undiluted spirits. (No bourbon and Coke.)
* Authoritative wine with lunch and dinner.
* Absinthe at any hour you can get it.
Finally, you may want to consider poet George Herbert's admonition:
Drink not the third glass -- which thou
Canst not tame
When once it is within thee.
Thursday, November 21, 2002
EMBARGOED FOR RELEASE UNTIL
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2002
Friday, November 22, 2002
Recently the primly greedy organizers of the anachronistic Miss America Nonsense became quite agitated that their current girlie, what's-her-name, was preaching abstinence from sex, and possibly stands guilty of even promoting, of all things, virginity.
The hypocrital stewards of this outdated, outmoded and outlandish puerile exhibition that is the Atlantic City Auction already shamelessly promote this tasteless banality ad nauseam.
The fleshly parade's hucksters want their (mostly) docile women unwed, unpregnant and of course undivorced. And properly over-chaperoned to keep them in this pristine state.
One would think the incumbent sovereign would have some license to advance nonsex if she's a mind to.
The ugly truth: this racket's censors don't want to churn the political -- right or left. They merchandise the Great Middle: class, way, life and sex.
These purveyors want their gilded mouthpieces to speak only noncontroversially.
This doll can no more hawk abortion than she can celibacy.
She nods, she smiles, she panders to the all American "values" of family, conformity, teamwork and (probably) Godliness.
This obscene little drama needs to shutter. It's gone bad.
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Tuesday, November 19, 2002
EMBARGOED FOR RELEASE UNTIL
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2002
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
We once worked in a nastily bureaucratic sweatshop (run by the federal government) that sported this sign in front of the cubicles, posted by a too cheerful colleague: "Be Happy. Don't Worry."
This kind of buoyant nostrum nauseates us. Other examples: "The glass is always half full," "every cloud has a silver lining" and "The best is yet to come."
What these blissful slogans encourage is a non-thinking acceptance -- not of reality -- but a rosy state of twilit blindness, a vigorous unwillingness to see things as they starkly are. The slogan mouthers are unwilling to confront and grapple with life's daily demons, but they come with the territory. And that's okay.
Being happy has its place (and should stay in it). (For example, we were last happy on the evening of January 13, 1998.)
Avoiding worry is like avoiding a sunny day: there are too many.
Worrying is just ineffectively squandering both time and energy.
Be a Fatalist.
"Most of what we worry about never happens" is partially perhaps selectively true.
If not a fatalist, then plan as prudently and intelligently as you can rather than fret wastefully. (It doesn't matter anyway.)
And about the only time we're in a state of "Be Happy Don't Worry" is when we're stoned.
The rant appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.