left lapel  
bow tie

A Sunny Place for Shady People

Pithy, contrarian, politically incorrect and curmudgeonly rants on sex, money, power and politics and religion and philosophy. In short: Nothing matters, everything changes and there are no guarantees. The rest is rationalization and bribery. (c) Tom Milner 2002-2003. DIRECTORY of offensive POSTS at Archives: 07/09/03. RECOMMENDED BLOGS: Archives: 07/29/03. email: theoldbuzzard AT sunnyplaceforshadypeople DOT com.

Friday, April 18, 2003
Monday, April 21, 2003

* Beating the Bishop
* Blueball baseball
* Cheating on your other hand
* Dropping the kids off at the pool
* Fishing for zipper trout
* Flogging your dumber brother
* Giving the seaman shore leave
* Giving yourself a helping hand
* Having a staff meeting
* Making the bald guy cry
* Milking the lizard
* Polishing the family jewels
* Romancing the bone
* Rubbing Buddha for good luck
* Sanding the obekisk
* Spackling the ceiling
* Spanking the monkey
* Tenderizing the tube steak
* Wanking
* Warming up the altar boy's dinner

All of these phrases [male: sorry ladies] refer to what was formerly pejoratively labeled "self-abuse" or "onanism," but more commonly known today as masturbation.

Yes, there is a Masturbation Lobby, too.

Yes, there is a Masturbation Agenda.

Jackinworld reports these survey results from their readers:

* Average frequency of masturbation drops from eleven per week at age 11, to five per week above age 35.

* 84% of respondents started to masturbate at or before age 13.

* Afterwards, 89% felt happy and relaxed; 10% felt guilty; 1% felt nervous.

* Among the very religious, the percentage who felt guilty was 19%.

We firmly recommend you carefully read the Americans for Purity
website for tips on "Winning the War on Masturbation."

However, for balance, we also commend you to this medical discusssion of the positive and healthy aspects of the sport at
Religious Tolerance.

Saskatoon Sex Therapists Bill and Carolyn Chernenkoff actually promote the practice, opining there's nothing healthier for hormone-crazed teenagers.

One such, when told in Hard-Shell Baptist Sunday School that masturbation would damage his eyesight, asked "Can I do it just until I need glasses?"

We just always thought it an awfully lonely recreation, but that the exercise was somehow good for the prostate.


Further reading: Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation, by Thomas W. Laqueur. Zone Press, 2003. $34.

Unrelated Must-read (on Bush and Karl Rove): Elizabeth Drew, "The Enforcer," The New York Review of Books , May 1, 2003

Highly Recommended
: David Remnick, "War Without End," The New Yorker, April 21 and 28, 2003

Fascinating aside: selected top 100 of 500 most searched words on the internet (Tip of the hat)

Lyrics, jokes, maps, dictionary, games, weather, autos, jobs, chat, recipes, dogs, travel, health, poetry, flowers, survivor, taxes, horoscopes, kelly blue book, zip codes, free, fonts, hair styles, tatoos, freeware, book.

Free pics, diabetes, free stuff, holocaust, apartments, airlines, dogpile, auctions, love poems, blank, encyclopedia, cheats, Britney Spears, prom hairstyles, cloning, area codes, horoscope, news, passwords, house plans, harry potter, lesson plans, resume, quotations, mortgage rates.

Dogfart, boats, cats, thongs, erotica, blue book, personal finance, internal revenue, service, paintball, free wallpaper, hotels, eminem, black and white, civil war, ringtones, astrology, golf, hacking, real estate, careers, computers, map, animals, art.

Mexico, dog, digital cameras, drugs, cliff notes, women, photography, crack, excite, Free, drivers, stories, webcam, time, love, scholarships, disney, yoga, tires, newsgroups, time zones, vietnam war, easter, viagra, employment.

Recommended blogs:


email: theoldbuzzard AT sunnyplaceforshadypeople DOT com

Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Thursday, April 17, 2003

This is the fourth installment of an extended, reverential review of Paul Fussell's Class: A Guide Through the American Status System.
New York: Dorset Press, 1990 (originally pub. 1983). (Out of print but available discounted at on line outlets.)

In the chapter "About the House" Fussell observes that curved driveways are superior to straight ones, that beige gravel is more classy than white on asphalt, three car garages discreetly out of sight superior to a two car with its basketball backboard and hoop (very middle class), keeping a useless animal to tend your lawn is very upper, avoiding "the vulgar suggestion of thrift."

"Finicky [lawn] neatness ... is usually a sign of social anxiety, a tip-off that we are approaching middle-class premises."

If the lawn if full of permanent "objects" -- plaster gnomes or flamingos -- we are in proletarian territory.

"Upper-middle-class flowers are rhododendrons, tiger lillies, amaryllis, columbine, clematis, and roses (except for bright red ones.)"

Prole flowers are anything too red, geraniums, poinsettias, chrysanthemums, zinnias, dahlias, and petunias.

"The middle-class longing for dignity frequently expresses itself in columns or pilasters arguing the impressive weight of the edifice."

High prole porches feature a "glider" and even a refrigerator, which proclaims to passers that you are the owner of a costly appliance.

Wooden outdoor furniture is classiest, while plastic and aluminum tubing bespeak the vulgarity of the lower classes.

Uppers favor slightly dirty ordinary cars or old Jaguars and BMW's. Never, never a Rolls, Cadillac or Mercedes.

The middle class living room "can be identified immediately you're inside by the way it stints the space allotted to the bedrooms and backstage areas so that the living room can constitute a more ample theatre of display."

One almost indispensable item in an upper class setting is "the tabletop obelisk made of marble or crystal, a sly allusion not to Egypt -- there would be no class there -- but to Paris."

"If the living rooms of the top classes tend to ape art galleries and museums, those of the middle class and below resemble motel rooms."

As for watching television (hidden away by uppers -- if they even own one), "the more violent the body contact of the sport you watch, the lower your class."

And dogs are favored by those of higher chop, while the lower classes must be content with the less wasteful cat, waste being a hallmark of the upper class.



Best Thoroughbred Horses (roughly descending order)

Seattle Slew
War Admiral
Count Fleet
Northern Dancer

Best Painters (roughly descending order)

Leonardo da Vinci
Pablo Picasso
Paul Cezanne
Paul Gauguin
Vincent van Gogh
Henri Matisse
Claude Monet
Henri Rousseau
Georges Seurat
Pierre-Auguste Renoir
Edouard Manet
Edgar Degas
Georges Braque
Mark Rothko
Jackson Pollock
Georgia O'Keeffe
Edward Hopper
Jan Vermeer
Willem de Kooning
Pierre Bonnard

Best U.S. Supreme Court Justices (roughly descending order)

Oliver W. Holmes
Louis D. Brandeis
Benjamin N. Cardozo
Felix Frankfurter
John Marshall
Abe Fortas
Thurgood Marshall
Earl Warren
Hugo L. Black
Charles E. Hughes

Best U. S. Presidents (in exact numerical order)

1. Abraham Lincoln
2. Franklin D. Roosevelt
3. James Madison
4. George Washington
5. Theodore Roosevelt
6. Harry S Truman
7. Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Thomas Jefferson
9. Woodrow Wilson
10.John F. Kennedy


The rant appears on Mondays and Thursdays.

Home | Archives

Powered By Blogger TM
  right lapel